The Loki Situation

So, last week I got a new phone.  I put it out on Facebook that I had a new phone but the number was the same and most of my contacts had transferred.  Then, I made the mistake of saying “if you want me to have your phone number, text me and tell me who you are.”  I should have maybe remembered that most of my friends are smart asses, just like me.

This is the conversation that ensued.  Unknown number is in italics, my responses are not.  Unknown number from (503) area code, mine is (210).

(503) Greetings Mortal.

(210) Loki?

(503) I am no being of tricks and deceptions—of course if I was I wouldn’t say that.

(503)

(210) So… You’re either a) an extinct dinosaur that may or may not have ever existed in the archetypal form associated with it’s name, b) an over and oft misused meme, or c) a t-shirt.  Although, I suppose you could also be a clothing manufacturer or seller…

(503) You got it in one.  This is Loki.

(503) Did you like my joke? Telling you this wasn’t me when it was?  I like to think I put the “lol” in “Lolki”

(503) It sounds better in proper Asgardian.

(210) Luckily you’ve got the Allspeak.

(210) Oh my, have I lost the attention of my favorite Aesir trickster?  I’ll have to do something drastic to regain it.

(503) No, I just get crappy reception.

(503) You want to see my baby pictures?

(503)

(210) OMG, you’re ADORABLE!

(503) Did it go through? Pity AT&T if it did not. 

(503) I really am.  It’s a shame mother always loved Baldir more. 

(210) It really is.  I can’t imagine Odin was terribly happy you showed a talent for magic at such a young age.

(503) And why would I give up world domination for a new freaking iPhone?

(503) He wasn’t too thrilled when I gave birth to a six-legged horse, either. 

(210) And yet, he had no problem gaining a new war mount.  Hypocrite.

(503) Eh, no sense in obsessing. Let’s talk about what I can do for you.

(210) And what, dear Aesir, can you do for me?

(503) You know the old spice guy?  I can give you him on a plate, gutted like a turkey, or in bed, tied up, also like a turkey.

(210) I’d rather have Chris Evans…

(503) I think he’s got someone else tied up in his bunk, if you know what I mean.

(210) Yeah, I’ve heard that rumor.  How about Tom Hiddleston?

(503) This guy? 

(503)

(210) Yep, that’s Tom.  He’s pretty much the definition of sex.

(503) That whole, food of the gods thing? It was not intended to refer to fried mushrooms and tater tots.

(503)

(503) No app for the picture of my app(etizer).  Ha, classic “Lolki”

(210) Is this what we’re doing now? Sending hipster photos of our meals?  Sigyn will be so disappointed, she had assured me you knew how to show a girl a good time…

(210)

(503) And by the way, so you’ve heard the rumors about Cap’s “incredible” hulk of a lover?

(210) Actually, I heard that he and Stark had a thing.  I heard Banner’s with the Hawk.  But then, the Hawk is kind of a slut…

(503) It really must be instagrammed to be proper hipster photos.  I was just trying to make conversation, not change our discourse entirely to photos. 

(210) Fair enough, what shall we discuss, my trickster?

(503) Hmmm it seems there is a “groupon” for eyebrow and underarm hair waxing.  Perhaps I could pick one up for you? I’d like you to look your best for Mr. Hiddleston 

(210) I don’t need to conform to sexist definitions to be beautiful, nor to look my best.  Hiddleston would love me regardless.

(503) He may love you, doesn’t mean he’ll want to stick it in you.

(503) Unrelated; knock, knock.

(210) Who’s there?

(210) And are you implying that I’m not beautiful and perfect?  Loki, I’m hurt.

 (503) Thor

(210) Thor who?

(503) WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON HIM?!

(210) Hahaha, while I realize that’s the punchline, it’s a good question.  Big, blond and dumb is never appealing.

(503) I was implying no such thing; hair arm pits just aren’t my thing.  I fi wanted to curl up something hairy smells salty, I’d spoon with Baldir’s pantaloon,  (I don’t want to, BTW, so I can assume neither does Mr. Hiddleston 

(210) Fair enough, but rest assured, I am perfectly capable of maintaining my personal hygiene without professional help

(503) Don’t like big and blond? I take it you were more of a fan of Brad or Frankenfurter?

(210) I’m a regular Frankie fan…

(503) You know the best part of the Shield helix attire?

(210) It leaves very little to the imagination?

(503) Helicarrier?

(503) (autocorrect, you have beaten the trickster God this time, but I will have vengeance)

(503) Hello Carrier?

(210) What’s the best part about the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier?

(503) Taco-Tuesdays.

(210) Are you sure you’re Loki?  You’re starting to sound like Wilson…

(503) Well, technically, the best part is flushing whole rolls of paper towels down al the toilets but the hulk’s.  People get really conflicted if they want to use the bathroom after “The irritable-blwel-syndrome” Hulk.

(210) Jesus, that’s a terrifying image…

(503) Who’s this Wilson you speak of?

(210) Wade’s a trip, weird guy, friends with Parker? Obsessed with junk food? Moonlights as a mercenary? Talks incessantly? You’ve really never met him?

(503) Banner: “don’t make me gassy; you wouldn’t like me when I’m gassy”

(210) Good lord.  Yeah, terrifying.  Those poor S.H.I.E.L.D. agents…

(503)

(503) Yeah, we’ve met.

(210) I take it he’s not your favorite?

(503) Another amusing story about the helicarrier’s d-fac: I convinced my idiot brother that “monkey-pull=apart-bread” is named after what the most fearsome animal in Midguard, the monkey, does to any human it sees.  I’m sure you saw the news coverage of Thor’s trip to the zoo with those make-a-wish children.

(210) I had a feeling you had a hand in that disaster.  Impressive work, darling.

(503) Yes, next week they are serving “chocolate volcano cake”.  Oh, I have plans…

(210) You’ll have to send me pictures.  I thoroughly enjoy lauging at your idiot brother.

(503) One of those geeky types put forward as an advantage of android vs. iPhone is that android is more customizable.  I just set Dr. Banner’s ringtone to the ten minute version of the “nyan-cat” song, and set his phone to require a password to answer/silence the call.  Obviously, I changed the password.  Now, to post his number to craigslist as a sexy single lady looking for “fun”.  I think I will include a picture of Ms. Romanov.

(210) Well, as annoyed as Banner will be, Tasha is the scarier part of that equation.  See if there’s any way to make the trail lead back to Stark.  I would love to see Stark get his ass handed to him by Tasha.  I would make popcorn.

(503) Oh, my dear, you follow my plan well.  They have recently been in a bit of a debate regarding the merits of the two.  Stark has been ging on about the possibility of a “malware” attack of androids on Banner’s phone.  Of course, I do not know who Malware is, or what his androids would do to Banner’s phone.  I know that Banner has accused Stark of holding this opinion due on amount of money Stark makes off apples.

(210) Stark just doesn’t like his “friends” playing with toys he didn’t design.  And he’s enough of a prat to throw a fit about “inferior” tech being allowed near him.

(210) I like how the internet seems to have decided that Loki and by extension, Tom Hiddleston, are the gods of Tumblr.

(503) You mean “you and Tom Hiddleston”.  After all, I don’t refer to you in the third person when I’m speaking directly to you.

(210) So true.  My apologies.

(210) You’ll be happy to know, though, that I officially saved your number under “Loki”.

Side note, I did, in fact, actually program this unknown number into my phone under the heading “Loki”.  I was considering “Loki Odinson” just to piss him off, but decided against it at the last minute.

(503) “Lord and Master, High-King Loki” would be preferable, but just Loki is fine for now. 

(210) Oh, honey.  You’re going to have to work much harder for me to call you lord, master, or high-king of anything.

(503) Yes, I acknowledge that my plans have this far not succeeded; however, that will be remedied.

(210) Right.  Good luck with that.  😛

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About Kalypso

I'm a mess. My brain is a dirty and dangerous place. I'm a punk. I'm a capitalist. I'm a snarky, sarcastic, antisocial nerd. View all posts by Kalypso

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