Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Loki Situation (part 2)

Hey guys, so I have something I’m writing but I need to talk to a couple of crucial people (that it’s about) before it goes live.  So in the mean time, you get another Loki post!

Picking up from where we left off, here we go:

(210) I just blogged about you.  #iregretnothing

(503) Are we hashtagging things now? #thisdoesnothing.

(210) Occasional habit. #anditseemstobugtheshitoutofpeople

 (503) I do not trust twitter.  Those birds are too friendly with pop’s ravens.

(210) Understandable, but I have no problems with Huginn or Muninn, thus, Twitter doesn’t bother me.

 (503) You know, they like to watch people… in the shower.

(210) I would imagine watching me in the shower would be amusing for them, what with the bad karaoke.  But modesty has never burdened me, so I’m not sure what the problem is…

 (503) Oh my.  Thor is using milking to crush walnuts.

(210) Mjolnir?

 (503) … Moline

(503) Autocorrect.  Mjolnir.

(503) Anyway, he’s crushing walnuts.  What he doesn’t know is I’ve put an illusion on a couple of the ball bearings used in the helicarrier’s fans.  The illusion of course, makes them look like walnuts.

(210) Hehehe, I wish I could see the look on his face when they refuse to crush!

 (503) You could say this plan is… All Nutty!

(210) *puts sunglasses on* AWWWWWW YEEEAAAAAHHHH!

 (503) Hmmmm, I have the strangest desire to put on sunglasses at the moment.

(210) Are you expecting Thor’s frustration to involve pyrotechnics?

(503) Well, let’s just say that if the kitchen slaves wish to make pasta, they could use this table to drain the noodles.

(210) Nice.  I’m not usually one for brute strength, but that’s kind of impressive.

 (503) I am annoyed.

(210) And I’m annoyed!  Together, we’re a pair-annoyed! (paranoid, get it?)

Side note, does anyone get this joke?  If not, Get Educated

(210) Why are you annoyed?

(503) You ever try to invite trickster gods over for a get together? Coyote says he’ll come, but then flakes; he thinks it’s the utmost in trickery.  Ha freaking ha.  Not like you haven’t used that one you four legged cur.

(210) Come on, now, Coyote’s a friend of mine.  He’s wily but he’s not terribly bright.  Be charitable when assessing his “tricks”…

(210) And in his defense, he’s kind of forgetful.

(503) Spider shows up early but ends up telling the same freaking stories all night.  Seriously, if I have to hear about how he stole the tiger’s genitals one more time, I’m going to make sure Ms Romanov is in attendance.  Little known fact, for a woman named The Black Widow, she is certainly quick to squash anything with eight legs.

(210) That’s not all that surprising. And yeah, only met Anansi once, but that was enough for me.  That tiger story wasn’t even really funny the first time.

(210) You know what sucks?  FT Hood, TX sucks.

(503) You know, I was vaguely aware of that.  Would it be suitable as a penal colony for a future ruler?

(210) Absolutely.  Although, FT Bliss would be slightly more demoralizing.

(210) I got a lecture from Directory Fury today about how we “should not engage in casual conversation with known supervillains, even if it *is* Thor’s brother.”

(210) Tasha gave me a very “I’m so disappointed” look.  Stark laughed his ass off and asked for your phone number.  I haven’t given it to him, yet…

(210) You know, I figure eventually, I’ll annoy you enough or bore you enough that you’ll tell me your terran alias…

(210) 48 hours now.  Darling Loki, I’m beginning to think you tire of our game.  Are you offended I called you a supervillain? Because you should know I don’t care what that pedantic Cyclops says.  I do what I want.  Villain or not, you’re terribly amusing and I’m having fun.

(503) Just distracted with my latest plan.

(210) Anything worth sharing?  Or should I just watch for fireworks and/or headlines?

(503) I’m going to turn Midguard’s children against your heroes.  Children will fall upon them in heaps of teeth and biting.

(210) And while Tasha might fight back, the rest of them will be paralyzed at the idea of hiding kids.  I like it.

(503) They won’t be able to set food within 200 meters of a school or daycare.

(210) Hehehe, Play it right and you might actually be able to get them listed as registered sex offenders for the duration of their lives.

(503) I will share in due time.

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The Loki Situation

So, last week I got a new phone.  I put it out on Facebook that I had a new phone but the number was the same and most of my contacts had transferred.  Then, I made the mistake of saying “if you want me to have your phone number, text me and tell me who you are.”  I should have maybe remembered that most of my friends are smart asses, just like me.

This is the conversation that ensued.  Unknown number is in italics, my responses are not.  Unknown number from (503) area code, mine is (210).

(503) Greetings Mortal.

(210) Loki?

(503) I am no being of tricks and deceptions—of course if I was I wouldn’t say that.

(503)

(210) So… You’re either a) an extinct dinosaur that may or may not have ever existed in the archetypal form associated with it’s name, b) an over and oft misused meme, or c) a t-shirt.  Although, I suppose you could also be a clothing manufacturer or seller…

(503) You got it in one.  This is Loki.

(503) Did you like my joke? Telling you this wasn’t me when it was?  I like to think I put the “lol” in “Lolki”

(503) It sounds better in proper Asgardian.

(210) Luckily you’ve got the Allspeak.

(210) Oh my, have I lost the attention of my favorite Aesir trickster?  I’ll have to do something drastic to regain it.

(503) No, I just get crappy reception.

(503) You want to see my baby pictures?

(503)

(210) OMG, you’re ADORABLE!

(503) Did it go through? Pity AT&T if it did not. 

(503) I really am.  It’s a shame mother always loved Baldir more. 

(210) It really is.  I can’t imagine Odin was terribly happy you showed a talent for magic at such a young age.

(503) And why would I give up world domination for a new freaking iPhone?

(503) He wasn’t too thrilled when I gave birth to a six-legged horse, either. 

(210) And yet, he had no problem gaining a new war mount.  Hypocrite.

(503) Eh, no sense in obsessing. Let’s talk about what I can do for you.

(210) And what, dear Aesir, can you do for me?

(503) You know the old spice guy?  I can give you him on a plate, gutted like a turkey, or in bed, tied up, also like a turkey.

(210) I’d rather have Chris Evans…

(503) I think he’s got someone else tied up in his bunk, if you know what I mean.

(210) Yeah, I’ve heard that rumor.  How about Tom Hiddleston?

(503) This guy? 

(503)

(210) Yep, that’s Tom.  He’s pretty much the definition of sex.

(503) That whole, food of the gods thing? It was not intended to refer to fried mushrooms and tater tots.

(503)

(503) No app for the picture of my app(etizer).  Ha, classic “Lolki”

(210) Is this what we’re doing now? Sending hipster photos of our meals?  Sigyn will be so disappointed, she had assured me you knew how to show a girl a good time…

(210)

(503) And by the way, so you’ve heard the rumors about Cap’s “incredible” hulk of a lover?

(210) Actually, I heard that he and Stark had a thing.  I heard Banner’s with the Hawk.  But then, the Hawk is kind of a slut…

(503) It really must be instagrammed to be proper hipster photos.  I was just trying to make conversation, not change our discourse entirely to photos. 

(210) Fair enough, what shall we discuss, my trickster?

(503) Hmmm it seems there is a “groupon” for eyebrow and underarm hair waxing.  Perhaps I could pick one up for you? I’d like you to look your best for Mr. Hiddleston 

(210) I don’t need to conform to sexist definitions to be beautiful, nor to look my best.  Hiddleston would love me regardless.

(503) He may love you, doesn’t mean he’ll want to stick it in you.

(503) Unrelated; knock, knock.

(210) Who’s there?

(210) And are you implying that I’m not beautiful and perfect?  Loki, I’m hurt.

 (503) Thor

(210) Thor who?

(503) WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON HIM?!

(210) Hahaha, while I realize that’s the punchline, it’s a good question.  Big, blond and dumb is never appealing.

(503) I was implying no such thing; hair arm pits just aren’t my thing.  I fi wanted to curl up something hairy smells salty, I’d spoon with Baldir’s pantaloon,  (I don’t want to, BTW, so I can assume neither does Mr. Hiddleston 

(210) Fair enough, but rest assured, I am perfectly capable of maintaining my personal hygiene without professional help

(503) Don’t like big and blond? I take it you were more of a fan of Brad or Frankenfurter?

(210) I’m a regular Frankie fan…

(503) You know the best part of the Shield helix attire?

(210) It leaves very little to the imagination?

(503) Helicarrier?

(503) (autocorrect, you have beaten the trickster God this time, but I will have vengeance)

(503) Hello Carrier?

(210) What’s the best part about the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier?

(503) Taco-Tuesdays.

(210) Are you sure you’re Loki?  You’re starting to sound like Wilson…

(503) Well, technically, the best part is flushing whole rolls of paper towels down al the toilets but the hulk’s.  People get really conflicted if they want to use the bathroom after “The irritable-blwel-syndrome” Hulk.

(210) Jesus, that’s a terrifying image…

(503) Who’s this Wilson you speak of?

(210) Wade’s a trip, weird guy, friends with Parker? Obsessed with junk food? Moonlights as a mercenary? Talks incessantly? You’ve really never met him?

(503) Banner: “don’t make me gassy; you wouldn’t like me when I’m gassy”

(210) Good lord.  Yeah, terrifying.  Those poor S.H.I.E.L.D. agents…

(503)

(503) Yeah, we’ve met.

(210) I take it he’s not your favorite?

(503) Another amusing story about the helicarrier’s d-fac: I convinced my idiot brother that “monkey-pull=apart-bread” is named after what the most fearsome animal in Midguard, the monkey, does to any human it sees.  I’m sure you saw the news coverage of Thor’s trip to the zoo with those make-a-wish children.

(210) I had a feeling you had a hand in that disaster.  Impressive work, darling.

(503) Yes, next week they are serving “chocolate volcano cake”.  Oh, I have plans…

(210) You’ll have to send me pictures.  I thoroughly enjoy lauging at your idiot brother.

(503) One of those geeky types put forward as an advantage of android vs. iPhone is that android is more customizable.  I just set Dr. Banner’s ringtone to the ten minute version of the “nyan-cat” song, and set his phone to require a password to answer/silence the call.  Obviously, I changed the password.  Now, to post his number to craigslist as a sexy single lady looking for “fun”.  I think I will include a picture of Ms. Romanov.

(210) Well, as annoyed as Banner will be, Tasha is the scarier part of that equation.  See if there’s any way to make the trail lead back to Stark.  I would love to see Stark get his ass handed to him by Tasha.  I would make popcorn.

(503) Oh, my dear, you follow my plan well.  They have recently been in a bit of a debate regarding the merits of the two.  Stark has been ging on about the possibility of a “malware” attack of androids on Banner’s phone.  Of course, I do not know who Malware is, or what his androids would do to Banner’s phone.  I know that Banner has accused Stark of holding this opinion due on amount of money Stark makes off apples.

(210) Stark just doesn’t like his “friends” playing with toys he didn’t design.  And he’s enough of a prat to throw a fit about “inferior” tech being allowed near him.

(210) I like how the internet seems to have decided that Loki and by extension, Tom Hiddleston, are the gods of Tumblr.

(503) You mean “you and Tom Hiddleston”.  After all, I don’t refer to you in the third person when I’m speaking directly to you.

(210) So true.  My apologies.

(210) You’ll be happy to know, though, that I officially saved your number under “Loki”.

Side note, I did, in fact, actually program this unknown number into my phone under the heading “Loki”.  I was considering “Loki Odinson” just to piss him off, but decided against it at the last minute.

(503) “Lord and Master, High-King Loki” would be preferable, but just Loki is fine for now. 

(210) Oh, honey.  You’re going to have to work much harder for me to call you lord, master, or high-king of anything.

(503) Yes, I acknowledge that my plans have this far not succeeded; however, that will be remedied.

(210) Right.  Good luck with that.  😛


“Goddamn, aren’t you something else?”

Hello.

I could offer a thousand apologies for my lack of communication over the last couple of months, but honestly, I don’t really have one.  I could blame it on a sudden, sever depressive episode and explain that I neglected my coursework as well as my blog (I withdrew from my classes in a fit of existentialism.  I start anew on Monday) and while it may be true, to use it as an excuse or a reason feels fake.  I don’t want to apologize to you because I’m not entirely sure what I did was wrong.

But this is not what I wanted to talk to you about.  I want to talk about Love.  Yep, Capital-L-Love.  And death, but that’ll come later.

I believe that Love separates us from the “lesser” beasts.  I don’t mean to imply that I think animals other than humans are incapable of feeling love because that’s not true.  I know without a doubt in my soul that every living being is capable of feeling some kind of love.  I think that love separates us because of how we feel love and what expectations we place on it.

Every single human being that has ever lived and all those who will ever live yearn for a love story.  And that’s the beautiful thing about love; we all yearn for an epic love story and we will all have the chance to live a love story.  It may not be the love story you were looking for, yearning for, wanting, but it is a love story none the less. Perhaps you’ll find a man who makes you feel like a beautiful and precious thing, to be loved and protected.  Perhaps you’ll find a woman who makes you feel like the tragic hero of your own life.  Perhaps you’ll find that job, you know the one, the one that you spend every waking moment thinking about (in some form); the one you wake up excited to go to each day.  You know that type of excitement, the terrible excitement that makes you feel like you’re going to explode and collapse, all at the same time.  Maybe you’ll find your love story in rescuing puppies, or building great things to further society.  Maybe you’ll find it in the mundane; coffee, grass, sunlight.  Every single one of us finds something, someone, some thing to be irrevocably in love with.  Most people, in my experience, don’t recognize their tragic and beautiful love stories until it’s too late.

Which brings me to the subject of death.  I sit here, dear reader, in a Captain America t-shirt to talk to you about death.  My reasoning for both my outfit and my telling you about it is twofold; Captain America is the bravest, steadiest person I could think of (real or fictional) and last week I re-read the Civil War series in which (Spoiler Alert) Captain America dies.  Let me repeat that, the steady, brave, uncompromising and seemingly invincible Captain America dies.  Departs from the land of light and life.  Shuffles loose this mortal coil.  He does not go quietly into the night, he dies in blood and noise.  (And it destroys Tony Stark.  Because Death has less effect on the dead than it does on those left behind.  But that’s neither here nor there, not what I want to talk about.)

I don’t fear death in a traditional sense.  I mean, everyone fears death, at least a little, but I more fear the thought of oblivion than I fear the thought of death.  I don’t fear the idea of being forgotten, because it’s inevitable.  I don’t fear that I won’t have made my mark on this world, I have.  I have left irreparable scars on the lives and hearts of those who love me.  I don’t fear the day when those I’ve loved and known are gone and there is no one left to remember me.  I fear oblivion in my loss of self.  I don’t profess to know or believe anything beyond the immediate.  I don’t know if there is a heaven or hell or afterlife or reincarnation.  And it’s the not knowing that terrifies me.  I can handle heaven.  I can handle hell.  I can handle the idea of a thousand lives collapsing on a single soul.  I can handle any of that.  It’s the idea that there is no afterlife, that we simply stop being, as if we never were, that terrifies me.  It’s the same reason I’m scared to death of Alzheimer’s and Senile Dementia.  Because everything that makes me me, that differentiates me from any of the other 7 billion souls on this planet, is suddenly gone.  All of my personality, my memory, the things that make me a unique and beautiful snowflake.  In theory, it would be locked inside, but if I’m unable to access it, what does it matter?  In that moment, I cease to be.  Until the next lucid moment, when I come back to myself.

That, dear reader, is what terrifies me.

—————————————–
I recently read a book by a man named John Green called The Fault in Our Stars.  Simply put, it’s a love story about teenagers with cancer.  It’s horribly depressing, existentially provoking and one of the most beautiful and near-perfect things I’ve ever read.  I don’t want to talk much about it, because I’ll probably ruin it for you.  But please, track this book down and read it.  And cry.  And seek out your own love story.  Some infinities are bigger than others; seek out what makes you feel infinite and hold on as long as you can.